How to Spot a Gringo (in Ecuador)

The gringo is indigenous to North America but, depending on the country's definition of a gringo, it could be from any country where white people can be found, Europe and Australia included. Outside of its natural habitat, the gringo stands out like a hamburger in a crowd of hot dogs. Mostly they are tourists, traveling the world so they can tell other white people about their adventures, but sometimes they are college students studying abroad, because that's also what rich white people do.

The gringo cannot speak the language or speak the language well. They may know simple phrases like "where is the bathroom" or "I don't speak Spanish" or know several swear words but when ordering food they must rely on pointing at pictures or use a map to get a cab.

The gringo does not dress properly. Nothing says "trashy tourist" more than flip flops and shorts. Hey, it may be 80 degrees outside and all of the natives are still wearing pants, but hey you're an American! Wear those shorts and sandals because America, FUCK YEAH!

The gringo loves buying clothes from the indigenous people. And why wouldn't they? The typical gringo thinks "It's Ecuador, it's on the equator, it's hot as balls isn't it?" Maybe if you're along the coast but Cuenca is in the Andes Mountains and it's winter. It's not 90 degrees. It's more like 50. So the gringo will go to the hippie, Indian, market and stock up on (fake) alpaca sweaters, purses, and hats. Nothing says gringo like an alpaca sweater and hat!

The gringo will always travel in packs. You will rather see a gringo by their lonesome. Whether only one of them speaks Spanish well, they don't know the city well enough, or it's harder to rob 20 people (I'm sure it's been done) than just one person, you will rarely see a gringo traveling alone.

Gringos must always be the loudest people in the room. When picking a restaurant, they must always pick the smallest restaurant possible and pack in as many gringo friends as they could fit in their suitcase. They then must make as much noise as possible. Often times they will be screaming "woooooooooooo" just like Ric Flair. They are the only ones who make this sound. Before they leave, they will all try to pay for a $3 meal with a $20 bill and be disappointed when the waiter/waitress cannot make change for everyone. In anger, they will make a huge mess and leave.

The gringo will always have the right of way when crossing the street. A car may be barreling down the street but the gringo will always have the right of way because they are a pedestrian. This is false. Cars have the right of way. People do not. Cars are bigger and weigh more. Gringo pancakes are always on the menu.

Gringos must always be on time. In America, being on time is considered late. In Latin America, being on time is being early. Besides being afraid of being a gringo pancake, gringos can often be spotted when they run across the street or walk down the street in a brisk manner.

Gringos will always have there camera in their indian bags. They will almost always be taking pictures of things nobody cares about, such as their food, statues, street names, and other notable landmarks. They must document every five steps of their trip.

If you see a gringo, DO NOT ENGAGE! Run away if possible. They will get you killed. Or shot. They all have an invisible sign on their back that says "rob and rape me." In that order of course. Preferably.